Separation Anxiety

Shoe leather must be one of my favorite things. It seems that I’m always opening my mouth; taking one foot out only to put the other one in. You’d think by now that I’d know how to tame my tongue, or at the very least, know when to keep my mouth shut. Obviously, I don’t because I’ve done it yet again.

My two month custody of JJ (the red metal flying pig) ends today. I started preparing for JJ’s departure last week. I moved her from my office because I wanted to get used to the empty spot on my filing cabinet and I wanted time to explain JJ’s absence to others. JJ’s co-owner showed up and I’m all ready to hand her over, and lo and behold he presents me with Flower (a pygmy pink metal pig with wings), JJ’s new sister and says that I can keep JJ! Yea for me!

I should have left well enough alone; but I didn’t. I sent a bragging email to a mutual friend letting him know JJ was mine to keep and as I bonus I also now had Flower. That would have been the perfect place to stop; but I didn’t. What I did was call JJ’s co-owner a “sucker” and “that by batting my big brown eyes, I had managed to get what I wanted – sole custody of JJ.” I should have stopped there; but I didn’t. I had to mention the email and it appears that I won’t have sole custody of JJ until pigs fly!

Now, I’m back to where I started; not wanting to share JJ. Three weeks ago I said that I had learned some lessons from JJ, including,
• You can’t always assume that what you want is what you will get
• Life is full of compromises
• There are benefits to sharing even those things you don’t want to let go of
• Life is a story that unfolds a little bit each day

… Well, I might have believed those lessons then, but as her imminent departure approaches, I’m having separation anxiety. Actually, this week with JJ was the source of another life lesson – God never moves. In fact in Malachi 3:6 there is the bold proclamation; “I the LORD do not change.” The desire of God’s heart is to be with me, to be one with me, to fill me with all that He is and express all that He is through me. God doesn’t change positions; I’m the one that moves away from Him and the desires He has for me.

I’m the one who has to do the soul searching to determine if my heart’s desire matches God’s desires for me. And though God yearns to be close to me, I am the one that experiences the angst during times of separation. What I am forced to acknowledge is that I can’t keep the desires of God’s heart first and foremost when I fill my heart with things, thoughts and activities that cause me to move away from him.

Perhaps the anxiety of separation creates within me the need to evaluate whose desires have priority. Removing self and replacing God’s desires for mine lessens the anxiety. God is always there; a place of refuge, peace and security. He will not separate Himself from me; therefore I will not be anxious.

                                                                                                                           Judith Bell 9/2/10
Copyright © 2010 Judith Bell